For millennial couples, the temptation to go through your partner’s cell phone behind their back can be all too alluring. While some folks will fight the urge to do so in the name of trust, there are still many who will rationalize all types of different reasons for doing so. It’s real out here.

Some argue that if their partner has nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be a problem. Others will point out that they’re simply curious about what’s going on in their mate’s life. Personally, I have yet to hear a reason that’s actually healthy for your relationship. Now whether prying in on your partner’s private info is cool in and of itself or not is up for debate on almost every dating/relationship website you can find. My vote is a big NO, but for those of you who might be thinking of doing so, I urge you to consider these three things before you do:

Reasons to Stop Snooping Your Partner’s Cell Phone

checking your other's phone1. It’s An Unhealthy Habit

Transparency and honesty are key to building the trust you need to make your relationship work. Once you start getting comfortable with ‘cutting out the middle man’ [your mate] and going straight to the source [their texts, email, etc], you set the tone in your relationship to revolve around doing things behind each others’ backs.

The moment you feel the need to hide your activities from your partner [even if it’s because you believe their behavior warrants it], your relationship needs help. Getting into the habit of going straight to your partner to hash things out through communication shows a level of trust and respect you have for them and their privacy. If you don’t have at least that, you should reconsider the health of your partnership.

Have a hunch? Take it to your partner. Curious about who they’ve been texting late into the evening? Take it to your partner. Suspicious activity? You get the point. This sets a positive tone and shows your mate that this is about teamwork and not about you vs. him/her. Break and avoid the habits that get in between you and develop healthy ones that will help you grow together.

2. You’re No Better

The fact is, if you’re going through your partner’s things without their knowledge, your actions are just as potentially damaging to the relationship as theirs are, if they’re actually doing something wrong in the first place, that is.

Let’s say you do check their phone and get caught, but find nothing. How do you think they’ll feel about their ability to trust you?  That’s just as much a breach of trust as is them going behind your back to engage in behavior with someone they shouldn’t be.


3. There is a Big Difference Between Intuition and Insecurity

“He/she was in the shower, the phone was on the table and my gut told me I should check it out.”

Intuition is knowing something without knowing how you know it. It’s a sixth sense that can really help you out when you’re not sure about whether you’re making the right decision or not. But here’s the thing: that feeling may not be your intuition at all, but your insecurities. There’s a thin line between the two.

Often times, unresolved issues from your past can easily creep up and flood your mind with ‘possibilities’ of what your partner might be doing and who they might be doing it with. You know it’s probably not your intuition when you tend to do things like always assuming the worst in your partner, have jealousy issues, or tend to struggle with your self-esteem.

Do yourself a favor and trust your gut when you feel the need to. Just make sure you’ve fully dealt with your past insecurities and self-doubts, or they might cloud your ability to do so.

Regardless of why you feel the need to go through your mate’s phone, being honest with yourself about why might help make your relationship stronger as opposed to potentially breaking the trust and causing more issues. So before you take that step to snoop through their SMS, consider the above three and save yourself some drama and stress.

Your Turn

Do you think it’s reasonable to go through your partner’s phone without their knowledge or not? Does whether you check their phone or not reflect the strength of your trust or lack thereof? Let me know in the comments below!

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Jay Cadet


New York

Peanut butter aficionado, relationship coach and founder of [co]3 Studio, Gen-Y’s Premiere Relationship Studio, Jay Cadet is on a mission to help unmarried, millennial couples build the most strong and healthy relationships possible. For more on relationship tips and advice, couples events and private coaching opportunities, visit

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