By Ghazaleh Shokouhaghaei, MA, Masters-Level Clinician
Let’s be honest—suicide can be a very scary word. Even people who have studied in the field of psychology can freeze up for a second when it comes up, so it’s no surprise that hearing a loved one mention suicidal thoughts can feel overwhelming and terrifying.
Suicide can be hard to talk about, but not talking about it can be far more dangerous- we will leave people alone in their pain.
When emotional pain becomes overwhelming, people often believe no one will understand. Or worse, they think they will be a burden if they speak up.
Psychologist Thomas Joiner (2005) offers a powerful theory that suicide becomes more likely when a person feels a deep sense of disconnection (thwarted belongingness), the belief that they are a burden to others (perceived burdensomeness), and the capability for suicide
Although many people think that suicide is often “an adult problem”, according to 2021 data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), suicide was the third leading cause in the US for high school youth aged 14 to 18 – and yes, even children. It is the eighth leading cause of death for children aged 5-11.
So, what happens when a child or your love says, “I don’t want to be here anymore? Should we shut down the conversation and say, “We don’t talk about that in this house,” or “You don’t mean that?” Absolutely not.
If your loved one expresses suicidal thoughts, it means they trust you. They are risking your fear, your anger, your judgment- because some part of them still hopes you will understand. That’s not manipulation or attention-seeking; it is courage.
What can you do?
If someone says something vague that indicates their desire to die, gently but firmly ask, “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It might be uncomfortable to ask, but asking directly will not make them more likely to act on those thoughts (it is just a myth).
In fact, it can open up a conversation. It shows that even if you are terrified for their life, you can handle the conversation and hear them.
If they say yes- or if you have reasons to believe they are in danger- ask if they have a plan or access to means like medication or sharp objects. If possible, help them create a safer environment by removing those items.
Remember, getting help is not easy. We have all had moments of depression or anxiety. Think back—how hard was it to ask for help when you were overwhelmed? Now imagine feeling hopeless, burdened, and struggling with suicidal thoughts.
That is why we must be patient and present. If someone shares their thoughts with you, that is a first step. The next step is helping them connect to professional mental health help, emotional support, and a therapist. You do not have to do it alone, nor do they.
Never underestimate how powerful it is to stay connected. Following up with a quick text message days later can make all the difference. These simple reminders that someone matters are known as caring messages. You can find examples of these messages here.
It Can Happen Suddenly (based on research by Whiteside et al., 2024)
Not every suicide attempt is planned days or weeks in advance. Research shows that some occur in a moment of overwhelming emotional distress, when suicidal thoughts in the mind intensify suddenly, almost like being emotionally “on fire”.
Similar to learning how to “Stop, Drop, and Roll” to stay safe when you are physically on fire, an intervention was developed to help with emotionally being on fire.
This intervention includes three steps: First, stop making any decisions; second, drop your emotional intensity by plunging your face into cold water or taking a cold shower; and third, roll by finding someone or a pet to focus on for distraction, or even asking them to help distract you.
That is why having these conversations- and knowing what to do in a crisis- matters so much. Every one of us has the ability to be a life-saving connection.
If someone you know is in emotional pain, do not wait- ask, listen, and stay. Help them find support and remind them they matter.
How to Support a Loved One Sharing Suicidal Thoughts
Talking about emotional pain isn’t easy, but silence can be far more dangerous. Your willingness to listen, ask, and support can make all the difference. Compassion, connection, and early action can save lives—sometimes, just being there is the most powerful thing you can do.
Reference
Joiner, T. E. (2005). Why people die by suicide. http://dx.doi.org/10.2307/j.ctvjghv2f
Verlenden JV, Fodeman A, Wilkins N, et al. Mental Health and Suicide Risk Among High School Students and Protective Factors — Youth Risk Behavior Survey, United States, 2023. MMWR Suppl 2024;73(Suppl-4):79–86. DOI: http://dx.doi.org/10.15585/mmwr.su7304a9
Understanding the characteristics of suicide in young children. (2021, December 14). National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). https://www.nimh.nih.gov/news/science-updates/2021/understanding-the-characteristics-of-suicide-in-young-children
Whiteside, U., Richards, J. A., Fruhbauerova, M., & Shokouhaghaei, G. (2024). Conceptual model of and intervention development for unplanned suicide attempts. The Permanente Journal, 28(3), 117–129. https://doi.org/10.7812/tpp/24.035
